Ello

So i haven’t blogged in awhile i don’t know why i’ve had alot going on and for some reason even though i probably need to i haven’t been able to write. Its weird its not for lack of things to say its just a weird phase i go through.  Anyways i’ll probably start posting more again. I hate that im so flaky even with myself. I have been doing pretty good with the weight loss ive lost 13 pounds since new years and im pretty happy about it because most of it has been coming off in the last two weeks which means im finding what works for me. I’ve been paying attention to calories and that helps me alot i cant believe how many excess calories i was eating in really quick amounts of time by going on snack binges. Now i am planning what im going to eat before hand so if i want to eat chocolate i make sure to leave myself  room for a few pieces in my daily calorie intake. Its really great because i don’t feel deprived of anything and strangely im still always full even though im eating less. I have been eating a lot of whole grains so thats what really keeps me full and also helps me to not over eat. And i eat on much smaller plates and bowls since i realized that i will eat as much food as i have on my plate once i started measuring and seeing what regular portions are i seen that i would eat double portions of dinner just because my plate or bowl was so big and i don’t seem to have an eating turn of switch i would just keep eating way past fullness just because i love the taste of food, so now with the smaller plates i eat smaller portions slower and i get full but not too full. I feel so much better eating this way its so different than the scavenger style of eating that ive always had and i have so much more energy which i really need right now to keep up with the baby.

Here is a picture of me at Christmas

And here is a picture of me on Valentines

Sorry about the cleavage but it was Valentines

I don’t know if you can tell much of a difference i can some in certain areas my belly is still a little preggy looking but its getting better im pretty sure that no matter how much weight i lose i’ll still have the pot and thats ok i earned the pot and even though its ugly and kinda disfigured it created beautiful little people and thats alot more than my teenage six pack could do.

As everyone already knows Heath Leger died yesterday, he was 28 the same age as me. It was really sad because he had a very young daughter. Everyone keeps talking about how young he is and it kinda reminds me that i am still really young. Even though i feel kinda old sometimes because parenting just makes you feel old and i have mostly younger friends.
Over the past year 4 people i know died one was a family member and 3 were friends or aquiantences. My step-grandfather died of what appeared to be natural causes, but the other three all died in drug and alcohol related deaths and they were all younger than me.
It is really tragic and it reminds me how  fragile  this life we are given is.  So often we take it for granted by putting poisons in our bodies or driving carelessly because we get caught up in this mindset that we are invincible but we are not. I try to live my life loving the people around me passionately because there is no guarantee that i will see them tomorrow. I try but i don’t always sometimes i get so wrapped up in myself that i ignore the people around me i really need to work on that.

So i guess i have decided to share more than i expected in a blog. I have spent so long not telling people personal details of my life now just writing them for anyone to view is scary but also good for me i think. I spend so much time talking about pointless stuff it’s really time i started talking about important things. I think i am going to start writing stories about these past events in my life that i seem stuck in, I know i really need therapy but i do not have insurance and right now i really cant afford it hopefully i will be able to in the future.
Right now i am feeling pretty good i went to the gym tonight and i weighed myself and so far i have lost 7 pounds i am pretty excited about that especially since i wasn’t able to make it to the gym almost all last week and i didn’t eat as well as i would have liked to. I missed going to the gym because i had friends over through out the weekend and it would have been lame to ditch them for the gym so i was going to work extra hard to make up for it so when i got in the scale i thought it was wrong i got off it and back on just to check and see if it was the same and it was hurray. The workout felt really good im still doing mostly cardio i do plan on working in more strength training slowly, i didn’t even want to leave when i did but i knew i needed to get home and check on my baby. When i got home i had the best surprise my husband had cleaned our really messy kitchen and had made a wonderful dinner all while taking care of the baby talk about superdaddy. It was the sweetest most romantic thing and it made me so happy. I think im going to get off here now so i can go cuddle with him goodnight all..

Yesterday i started to post a blog and i decided to write on paper instead. I ended up writing about the abuse i experienced as a child. I was kinda surprised at how strong my need to recall these events was. I am still so continually haunted by my past and affected by it on a daily basis, it is frustrating and it makes me feel like such a weak person for not being able to overcome events that took place over 15 years ago. I did a little research online today and it seems to be fairly common that the truma of childhood sexual abuse still affect people way into adulthood. Strangely within the past few days i feel as if some sort of screen has been removed from my eyes and i can see so clearly how i have been caught up in self-destructive patterns, addictions and behaviors for the latter portion of my life.
here is a list of self- destructive behaviors i have had over the past 15 years.

Promiscuity in young adulthood. It was much easier to let people take advantage of me than to say no so i pretty much allowed myself to be used over and over again because i thought people would like me or even love me if gave them what they wanted of me and in this case it was sex.
Self-Mutilation. I cut, burned, bruised, pierced, hit and defiled myself for a long period of time. It was a secret form of relieve, it gave me a rush of excitement to hurt myself and it helped to ease to overwhelming emotions i struggled with on the inside.
Drug-Abuse. I spent a good bit of time in rehab for this one. I did drugs to try to escape to build my own personal fantasy realities that i retreated to when i was high.
Violence towards others. I was like a time bomb waiting to go off i flew into rages so strong i would black out in a fight it was almost like another person would take control of me and i would always feel really guilty about hurting others but i would suppress it by saying they deserved it for hurting me emotionally i would hurt them physically.

I have overcome  all of these issues  and developed  new ones most recently the over-eating which i have talked about in previous blogs. I also have panic attacks now.
I am just now seeing how all of this was related how all of these things stemmed from the same place that i still haven’t healed from. And now i have to start really working to deal with my past so i can be a whole functioning person.
For awhile i was so angry with myself for not having gone to college and not having a career and when i look at all the shit i’ve had to overcome just to get to be the person i am now. I can see that what i have achevied so far is much greater than going to school or starting a business i have fought a war with myself and survived.
I have much much more to write about but for now i must go.

Oh my goodness my baby is wearing me out. I am pretty sure she is teething because she is chewing on everything, fussing way more than usual refusing to take naps, waking up more at night and wanting to nurse all the time. I don’t see any teeth sprouting but she’s at that age and she’s showing all the signs. I neeeeeeed a baby break my husband and i haven’t been on a date since she arrived. My in-laws have offered to watch her im just nervous that if i leave her with them she’ll cry the whole time and give them a hard time. I guess i should just get over that because if i don’t get it over with it will only get harder to get her use to staying with someone else.
Im really not feeling good today its hard to feel good when the baby doesn’t . I feel so sluggish and sensitive right now.
My sister in law left today, we went over to say goodbye to them last night it was really nice my father in-law made some awesome gumbo he’s from Louisiana so its authentic and really good. And then it snowed just a little last night and it was beautiful we took Scarlet out in it to see her first snow and she loved it. Juniper had the day off from school we were so happy to spend the day together but then her daddy called and ended up taking her to her grandmas, which was fun for her. But when she left the house i felt so disappointed i really wanted to spend the day with her.
I kinda feel like i want to cry and it’s likely i will before the day is over about something stupid im sure it alway happens like that. I’ll be upset over a bunch of stuff and then Beau and i will get in a stupid fight and i will go off like a tear bomb and he thinks im over-reacting but im really just reacting to a multitude of things that just all come out at once and most of it doesn’t even have to do with him. I hate that i have such anxiety maybe working out later will help. I’m gonna warn Beau that im really sensitive right now. Ok im going to go because Scarlet is finally taking a nap and im going to try to take one to.

So yesterday was Monday and i went to my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting it was not as intimidating as i thought it would be. There were only three other people there besides my husband and myself. It was really good and i think its what i need because it’s not a diet and it’s not centered around losing weight and how to eat. I know how to eat well and i most often do, but i have binges where i eat so much i feel sick and ashamed of myself so then i eat more it has become a really bad cycle. I know it’s mostly emotional and the other part of it is a physical dependence to sugar. So i have already cut way back on sugar, I don’t know if i mentioned it before that i started drinking my coffee black. It has helped i was drinking to much extra sugar in my coffee, and now that I have started drinking it black I am really enjoying coffee for its natural flavor.
My blogging is serving as my journaling I am not going to start recording everything i eat or anything like that because after all like i mentioned the food is just a symptom of a bigger problem. I am not going on a diet because i actually really enjoy eating healthy foods i love fruits and vegetables, whole grains, legumes. And i know how to cook so the big thing is that i do cook instead of eating out, fast food always makes me want to binge especially Taco Bell. I was really sad to do it but Taco Bell went on the list of places i will no longer eat i can not eat reasonably there and every time i eat there it triggers a binge that sometimes doesn’t stop for days. I also have to work really hard to eat breakfast and lunch which i often skip and then i overeat at night i think this is the most common aspect of overeating i know this is an issue most people have. I have a really weird habit of waking up in the middle of the night and eating and thats when it’s really bad, I will be half asleep just racing to eat whatever i can find as fast as i can and then i go back to sleep. When ever i wake up after that and i see what I have eaten i feel awful and the last thing i want to do is eat breakfast. So these are the things i have to work on i am actually really optimistic that i can do this. I have broken other addictions so i know i can do this.
I am going to have lunch now and then clean up a bit, my family is coming over and i want the house to look nice and after that im going to work out yeah im looking forward to that so i must go now.
Here is a funny video i found online yesterday

Good Morning Really

Hurray i finally got a good nights sleep last night which is pretty substantial with a baby in the house. I have been working on some sleep training with the little one since she’s 5 months now it seems like a good time. I put her down when she is really sleepy and she cries for a few minutes and then she falls asleep. It has been hard to hear her crying it kills her daddy the most but thankfully it doesn’t last to long and it is really good for her to learn to sooth herself now.  I fell asleep watching Fantastic Planet last night right after i teased Beau that he would fall asleep before it was over because he does that all the time but he ended up waking me up at the end and dragging me to bed. I did have a nightmare though, I dreamt thet my husband fell in love with someone at his work and he was leaving me. It was really upsetting i kept asking him when i woke up if he was in love with someone at his work because the dream was so real.
Scarlet woke up this morning with a big baby pimple on her upper lip and it’s been driving me crazy all morning i guess there is nothing i can do about it so i’ll just leave it alone.

Here is a picture of her napping this morning and her kinda cute pimple

This is me goofing off this morning

Ok I am going to get off here now i hope everyone has a lovely day :}