Yesterday i started to post a blog and i decided to write on paper instead. I ended up writing about the abuse i experienced as a child. I was kinda surprised at how strong my need to recall these events was. I am still so continually haunted by my past and affected by it on a daily basis, it is frustrating and it makes me feel like such a weak person for not being able to overcome events that took place over 15 years ago. I did a little research online today and it seems to be fairly common that the truma of childhood sexual abuse still affect people way into adulthood. Strangely within the past few days i feel as if some sort of screen has been removed from my eyes and i can see so clearly how i have been caught up in self-destructive patterns, addictions and behaviors for the latter portion of my life.
here is a list of self- destructive behaviors i have had over the past 15 years.
Promiscuity in young adulthood. It was much easier to let people take advantage of me than to say no so i pretty much allowed myself to be used over and over again because i thought people would like me or even love me if gave them what they wanted of me and in this case it was sex.
Self-Mutilation. I cut, burned, bruised, pierced, hit and defiled myself for a long period of time. It was a secret form of relieve, it gave me a rush of excitement to hurt myself and it helped to ease to overwhelming emotions i struggled with on the inside.
Drug-Abuse. I spent a good bit of time in rehab for this one. I did drugs to try to escape to build my own personal fantasy realities that i retreated to when i was high.
Violence towards others. I was like a time bomb waiting to go off i flew into rages so strong i would black out in a fight it was almost like another person would take control of me and i would always feel really guilty about hurting others but i would suppress it by saying they deserved it for hurting me emotionally i would hurt them physically.
I have overcome all of these issues and developed new ones most recently the over-eating which i have talked about in previous blogs. I also have panic attacks now.
I am just now seeing how all of this was related how all of these things stemmed from the same place that i still haven’t healed from. And now i have to start really working to deal with my past so i can be a whole functioning person.
For awhile i was so angry with myself for not having gone to college and not having a career and when i look at all the shit i’ve had to overcome just to get to be the person i am now. I can see that what i have achevied so far is much greater than going to school or starting a business i have fought a war with myself and survived.
I have much much more to write about but for now i must go.
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Wow!! We have a lot in common. I was abused by an ex from the time I was 17 until I was 22. I also abused drugs and have had fits of rage. There are also some things in my past that I really don’t want to revisit, but I know I have to. I’ve avoided them for too long.
Ok, first of all I know a little about your past since we were roomies and all, and you know I was just as messed up as you were (in the head) and now, I totally understand what you’re saying. I feel like its an everyday struggle. It’s all about choices, how you want to live your life, doing what you need to everyday to meet those goals, but for us it’s not enough. Because we feel like we have to drown something out, to numb something. Honestly Tam I don’t really talk about it much b/c I’m ashamed but I’m still fighting some addictions and I’m constantly beating myself up. I was promiscuous in the day for the exact same reason. I still to this day don’t know how to say no. It’s a good thing I got married b/c basically I have a valid reason to say no. Even though we have that right regardless, somehow being in a relationship makes it a lot easier. Oh and yeah, did the cutting thing, but haven’t done that in about 3 years, and even then was a one time crazy night after a big fight with Donovan. Overeating, definitely. Now I’m rambling, the point I was trying to get to is you aren’t alone, most of us have fucked up shit in our past and things we wish we could change or forget about but I’m here to tell you that you have come one thousand percent forward in your life and are doing exactly what you need to be doing. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect, and be proud of the fact that you HAVE overcome a massive amount crap in your lifetime already and that has molded you and prepared you to handle anything in life. You are amazing!